hard knock life

Ah, another day at home, as to where i never have anything witty to say like the wanna be doctor, i can offer lots of life experience, like what to do or what NOT to do. like do not get married at 17, instead do stay in college. i mean love is a grand and regal thing but with an education you can afford to find love later in life. i mean after all the search for love is the search to find something to fill a blank that we all have inside ourselves, a void, or insecurity. very often we find ourselves in situations we'd rather not be in because of our need to be loved or to be in love. as sad as the situation is love is reason that people stay in abusive relationships ( i say people because very often men are in abusive relationships as well, it's not just women.). we stay because we are convinced, " if i try hard enought they will change" or " they are getting better" just because they change their pattern does not mean that they are getting better. many of the lessons i have to offer have been hard learned, and at 22 i think that is very sad. as a young girl i always said i need no man , i want an education, nor do i want children because with my career choice i dont feel i'll have enough time to give them. at 15 i met my ex husband at the local grocery store where we both worked, i fell in love. at 17 i was married at 18 we joined the army at 19 i had a baby boy and deployed to iraq, came back and we seperated at 20 i was pregnant again (different man than my husband) at 21 i seperated from the army (honorable ETS) and was pregnant a third time, at 22 i now have only one my beautiful children, i have lost the love of my life ( i have no idea where he is, and maybe that is a good thing) and am currently unemployed. for people who have a future in front of them, do not throw it away or let it go to waste, love is indeed a wonderful thing but remember: love rapes all, love destroys all, love sucks.

nothing worth publishing

I often laugh at how things sometimes go, i never imagined that I would have an online journal, much less a published one. mybe its the need to feel like i have somebody to talk to, maybe its the want to tell my story, or hell maybe its both. I am 22 years old and i have been to hell and Iraq, i have been on the brink of insanity and back ( a pathetic rhyme i know). I have been on top of the world and then had the rug snatched out from under my feet. I have loved so fiercely that i thought i would catch fire, only to watch them shatter in front of me because of something that i had done. i have been self serving and selfish and for that i have suffered many losses at my own hand. i have become my own worst enemy and my most cruel critic. i was once a wife and a mother and a US soldier, now i am holding on to a thread a victim of my own self made indulgences, and circumstances. out of three children i have but only one that i live for. the memories of my pre marriage relationship with my ex husband keeps me from becoming a cold monster, they keep me real, and yes, they make me bleed, which i think sometimes is a blessing. nobody has not done anything to me that I have not allowed to happen, and for that i am disguted with myself, it shows my weakness. this is the story of me coming into me.